Follow the Sun!

Follow the Sun

There exist plenty of reasons for not voting for Mitt Romney as President of the United States of America. Whether they be ideological, (corporate raider) political (flip-flopper) or just plain hair-envy; I am sure everyone can assign their own motive. However, not voting for Mitt because he happens to be a Mormon is just downright anachronistic in the twenty-teens.   Besides, hasn’t everyone seen the ads on TV, where seemingly everyday folks, after reciting a litany of dreary accomplishments, suddenly declare “and I’m a Mormon”?  Gosh I never knew, and if I’m honest...do I really care?  It turns out that plenty of people do care that Mitt Romney is one of those folks, though with a considerably larger bank balance, whiter teeth, and a Jones to be the Commander-in-Chief.

But wait, this sounds familiar. I seem to remember way back in the twenty-noughts, when religion was again on the minds of voters, with Islam substituting for the Latter Day Saints.   The important question on the minds of voters everywhere - well Arkansas at least -  is candidate Obama a double secret Muslim?   Stay tuned while we, the responsible media (FoxCNNMSNBC) hunt for his birth certificate at Mecca City Hall. (Births and Deaths department).  “Mr. Candidate, we need to know, because it’s very, very important that we understand who you pray to, (name and title please) rather than us doing a due diligence on your actual job qualifications”  

 In the interests of full disclosure, I will tell you that I didn’t vote for President Obama.  But not because I believed that he was a Muslim, but I did vote for John McCain because he is a staunch and faithful Baptist.  OK Just kidding!  As an Episcopalian, all that Baptist fire and brimstone stuff makes me uncomfortable, besides, I think I’m allergic to brimstone.    In fact, I didn’t even know that John McCain was a Baptist until I Googled it 5 minutes ago.  Of course, had I known, it may have made me pause in the voting booth in November 2008. 

So here is my question:  What does it matter what the candidates faith is?  Am I missing the section on the Presidential job description where deity worship is a prerequisite for hire?   In fact I seem to remember something in the US Bill of Right which said something like...  "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...” something, something….  (OK   didn’t remember it – I cut and pasted that bit)   Anyway, our benevolent Federal government cannot make us believe in anything, including the suspicion that they might not be as munificent as their Facebook page would lead us to believe.  (Especially that photo of the Armed Services Committee doing body shots in Cancun….)

Still, as some students of the Constitution never tire of reminding us, (primarily as BREAKING NEWS on 24 hour cable channels) it’s freedom of religion not from religion, don’t you get it?   OK, I get it.   So based upon that understanding then, a candidate’s faith should pass the test if it meets all the criteria for a bona fide religion.  Does it have a deity?  Check. Does it have a Good Book?  Check.  Does it Tax-Exempt Status?  Check.    But whoa there Nellie!  We find that about 25% of the electorate in some states of this union considers that Mormonism is not actually a religion at all but – gasp- a cult.  Therefore a President Romney would become not only the most powerful executive in the free world, but more sinisterly a cult leader, like David Koresh, for instance or L. Ron Hubbard.  Elect Romney they say, and the next thing you know the ATF will be surrounding the White House while the militant wing of the Church of the LDS shoots it out with the Feds.

                As  one who is theologically challenged, I am tempted to ask, somewhat plaintively, “Isn’t most of it made up?”  Religious practice I mean, not faith.  Growing up as nominal Anglican, I acquired an irrational dislike of the Papacy, which was not based upon my knowledge of the Roman Catholic Church, but developed simply because the people around me had a cultural aversion to foreign religions, especially ones practiced by the French and Irish.  However, later in life and much to my chagrin, I noticed that the liturgy was almost word for word the same.  As my wife and friends pointed out, we (Anglicans) were just missing the Pope, the Holy Water and the guilt. Thanks to Henry VIII and his sexual appetites, I was practicing Catholic-Lite.

Religious practices then are cultural practices.  An Episcopalian church gives me comfort, but not necessarily because it brings me closer to God.  I enjoy the familiar sound of the hymns, the reassuring heft of the Book of Common Prayer and all that stained glass doesn’t hurt.  Maybe I could have a closer relationship with God at the Pentecostal church, the synagogue or the mosque. Who knows?   However, since I have a well-founded fear of rhythmically clapping in time, taking my shoes off in public, and I enjoy the fruit of the fragrant female hop plant, I’ll probably never find out.  So as others cast an appraising and objective eye over the bloody history, arcane ritual, and the pointy hats, which I consider to be rational religious practices, I am sure that they have a secret chuckle or at least emit a snort of disbelief.

 I must admit to doing the same when auditing others religious practices.  Even the most pious adherent can struggle to articulate the logic to the non-believer.  Questions jump into my mind, as they explain the Meaning of it All to me in reverent tones. 

“Not even with a nice Newburg sauce?”  

“Five times a day, wow that’s a lot of commitment?    

“Someone found a tablet New York State in which outlines everything?  Interesting.

“Does the prayer wheel go clockwise or counter clockwise?  

“Which one looks like the Elephant again?  

“Camel through the eye of a needle?  Is that a metaphor or an allegory I get the two confused?  

“Four wives!     

And so on. It gets complicated and, frankly, exhausting trying to understand, and keeping up with all the dietary constraints, clothing choices, and interpretations of the book, whichever one it happens to be.  

So in 2016, I am hoping for a simpler candidate. One the whole planet can get behind. A devotee of - the Sun God. 

The Sun God? I can almost hear the sophisticated theists among you sniggering at those ignorant pagan savages with their quaint superstitions.  However, let’s take a look at the particulars. In a Galaxy not far away (ours in truth) and not so many years ago, many of our antecedent cultures worshipped a Sun God.  In fact a quick web search will turn up around 18 bona fide Sun Gods of various hues, and civilizations that flourished in many locations. So our likely candidate will have plenty of choices.

  But wait there’s more!  The Sun-God provides us abundant heat without the high propane costs, better light than a CFL bulb, and helps our crops grow without asking any animal sacrifices in return.  The Sun God also kindly dispenses vitamin D without a trip to the drug store, and reverses Seasonal Affective Disorder, with nary a tithe or an indulgence.  The Sun God’s spots and flares affect our weather patterns and seasons, and after a long winter it’s a reassurance of the resurrection of life. (Especially here in Minnesota)   Most importantly, since the Sun God is 93 million miles away, it means it’s not getting in our business or making us feel guilty about browsing the Web instead of going to Shul or choir practice.  

So, imagine then a visitor from another galaxy arrives on Earth around election time (Breaking News!)  Interested in our customs the visitor asks the candidates to sum up their religious practices and why?  Please go ahead and be brief. (The alien speaks English and has an attitude of course)     The monotheist candidate, painfully inarticulate at the best of times, will get a strained and puzzled look from our Galactic friend, as they randomly explain all the theologically contradictory data they  have manipulated to fit their own world view, their bank balance, and their dubious business acquaintances.

Our Sun-God candidate however, would simply be able to check off the facts of their faith.  Light, Warmth, Good Tan, and Necessary for Life on Earth.   This of course would get a sage nod from the visitor, since oh by the way, they also have two Suns and they serve the same purpose on their planet.

  So if there are any nascent Sun God candidates out there, don’t be shy.  Let’s get this campaign going and follow the Sun  in 2016.  I will be voting for you. 

More from the Albion Bulldog soon.