Hollywood Control
After the
recent tragedy in Newtown, several Hollywood stars came out strongly in favor
of stricter gun controls. I’m shocked. This is a group of people (mostly politically
liberal) responsible for a relentlessly violent media, awash in no-consequences
gun play and casual indifference to human life.
Why on earth would they want to restrict the use of firearms, when after
all, an increasing percentage of their movies are reliant upon their blasé exploitation.
Instead of gun control, perhaps now is the time
to impose some common sense measures on this other, more dangerous industry. Let’s call it “Hollywood Control”.
On a weekly basis, millions of
honest, hard working Americans are, let’s face it, subject to a horrendous body
count whenever they go the local Cineplex, even if it’s just during the coming
attractions. Hopefully by building a coalition
of concerned citizens groups we can crack down on these vacuous and violent images
once and for all. After all, the
Founding Fathers, even in all their wisdom, could hardly have foreseen Die Hard 15 – The Retirement Years, when
they carefully penned the First Amendment over 200 hundred years ago. And who
would have thought that the right to freedom of expression would have to take
into account the bloody predilections of Quentin Tarrentino.
So I have a modest proposal to
introduce measures that will help restrict first amendment rights and lessen the
thousands of murders depicted in Hollywood movies on an annual basis. After all, other countries’ film industries
show just a small fraction of the killings that Hollywood perpetuate every
year, and we would be wise to adopt their measures.
First,
we should introduce a system of universal background checks for moviegoers. It’s
simply not good enough that we currently restrict the rights of those persons, 17
years old and under, to hear the work “shit” outside of high school, or see a
bare breast outside of Internet porn. We
need to make sure that no one can have access to unlimited carnage unless they
have passed a comprehensive background check with a 7 day waiting
period. This will allow us time to make
sure that mentally ill or potentially violent persons are not subject to Django Unchained or Texas Chain Saw Massacre at Home Depot.
It would be also be helpful to
limit the size of the film containers used to screen the movies. A smaller reel will help us reduce the
exposure of mindless and boring shoot-outs to a helpless and impressionable populace. And last, but most important ,we need to
enforce the crackdown on so-called “Assault Films” This is where we go the local art theater,
expecting to see a genteel period romance and all of a sudden we are “assaulted
“ by a trailer starring a geriatric
Arnold or Sylvester firing multiple weapons systems.
Cynics among you might
say; but Bulldog, won’t criminals just circumvent the system by illegally passing
or downloading bootlegs at illicit movie shows? It’s possible of course that citizens will
do anything to get their hands on these blood-soaked tales, but I say why worry
about the Constitution when we need to protect people from the evil doers in
Hollywood. Besides, what could go wrong?
More from the Albion Bulldog shortly!
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